The Moore Report: CAPS LOCK

Anchorage Press - October 13, 2010

"Through bashfulness, suspicion, and timorousness, (he) will not be seen abroad; (he) loves darkness as life and cannot endure the light or to sit in lightsome places; his hat still in his eyes, he will neither see, nor be seen by his good will. He dare not come in company for fear he should be misused, disgraced, overshoot himself in gesture or speeches, or be sick; he thinks every man observes him."—Hippocrates (400 BC)

Could someone please explain to me how it is that Alaska, populated as it is by men who know just what it is to be men, and by women who love our very manly qualities, how it is that we've elected a COMPLETE WUSS as our leader? Could someone please tell? Sean Parnell, a man who breaks into nightsweats at the prospect of ringing the Salvation Army bell at Christmas, is governor.

Ah, Ivan, I hear a bunch of you saying. He wasn't elected; he's the accidental wuss-governor, there by dint of events beyond all our control. Well, that's fine, but I'm thinking maybe you're copping out of taking responsibility for the fact that this guy got elected, consecutively and with nary a single defeat, to the state House, to the state senate, and to the lieutenant governor's office, before being anointed governor. All the time with a look of total simpering uselessness plastered to his face. YOU DID THIS.

I'm using caps, I'm sorry, but it just burns me up. Every time I watch the news and see another statement READ OUT from his absentee campaign, it fries me. Where is he, our fearless leader? He hasn't been seen in weeks. He hasn't said anything in weeks, like you know, said something where his mouth actually moves and his vocal chords make noise. Why? Because he hasn't got the balls, that's why.

In our last survey, HIS SPOKESMAN had better numbers than him. I've seen more assertiveness in hamsters. And yet, Alaska voters are contemplating rewarding Sean Parnell's overwhelming impotence with a brand new, genuinely elected four-year term. I tell you, there must be a complete schmuck in the other corner.

Ah! Ethan Berkowitz! (Or as Parnell calls him, Oberkowitz. Oh hahhhahahhahahahhahaa, oh Sean you do slay me—that is SO junior high.) Well, Ethan Berkowitz, let me tell you, is no schmuck. And I can say this with some authority, having known him personally better and for longer than most.

Ethan is tougher than Sean Parnell. The only thing some tough, grizzled oil industry negotiator has to guard against looking over the table at Sean Parnell is giving too much away because he feels sorry for him. Ethan would immediately command respect, he would be tough and he would be fair. NO CONTEST.

Ethan is smarter than Sean Parnell. I'm going to zip through this 'graph quickly, because let's face it, it's the kind of thing that loses votes in Alaska. For God's sake, don't talk about where he went to school. I mean, Cambridge? Honestly, what kind of high falutin', intellectual, elitist horsepucky is that? Well, in 1982, I did the entrance exams to study mathematics at Cambridge and they failed my sorry ass. That kind. NO CONTEST.

Ethan is more honest than Sean Parnell. Without question, Ethan is one of the most internally ethical people I've ever met. You know, the kind who are honest even when no one's looking, the ones who have a code that they live by. Ethan would NEVER have been caught dead pulling the kind of Therriault and Dahlstrom stunts Parnell pulled. The law is the law. Even in the gray areas, right is right and wrong is wrong. It would never have crossed his mind. NO CONTEST.

Ethan has more imagination and creative awareness than Sean Parnell. If Sean was stuck in a paper bag and had to find his way out by thinking differently and ingeniously, he would be stuck in a paper bag for a while. He is so cardboard and one-dimensional in his persona and his thought processes, it just beggars belief how he got where he is. Ethan thinks big, he thinks boldly and intelligently, and he is not afraid to fail. NO CONTEST.

Ethan is more willing to work across party lines than Sean Parnell. He's more Alaskan than Sean Parnell. He has a better sense of humor than Sean Parnell, you know, like, HE HAS ONE. He's more interesting than Sean Parnell. He's had a wider range of life experience than Sean Parnell. He's more dynamic. More determined and confident and industrious. More thoughtful and sincere. More courageous. More decisive. And more honorable.

In fact, it can all be summed up in one sentence. ETHAN BERKOWITZ WILL MAKE AN INFINITELY BETTER GOVERNOR THAN SEAN PARNELL. Oh, I do love caps. [Note from editor: This is a one-time allowance for your caps, Ivan.]

But, go ahead and vote for Sean if you like. Does he make you feel safe? Like the grizzled oil industry negotiator, do you hesitate to vote him out because you feel a little sorry for him? After all the ludicrous Palin drama, is there some value in a profile so low that it tends towards zero?

If you are bold and do the right thing, if you SUCK IT UP for once and do something just a little bit off the beaten path, you will recognize that Sean Parnell, categorically a man who "dare not come in company for fear he should be misused" hasn't done anything to deserve your vote. He continues to hide. In a darkened campaign backroom somewhere with a cold compress over his eyes, willing the noise to stop.

If you are bold and do the right thing, Ethan Berkowitz will be our next governor.

Ivan Moore is a public opinion pollster based in Anchorage who works with both Democratic and Republican candidates.

By Ivan Moore

The views expressed here are his own.

Ivan can be reached at [email protected].